I have been feeling like I should share something personal for the last little while but I kept writing it off, not wanting you all to have to read about my woes and feel sorry for me. I'm perfectly fine fishing for compliments and comfort from Scott. haha. But after some experiences I feel that I should share what I have been through in the last year. I hope it will help someone feel better about their own experience as well as help those close to them know how to cope and comfort.
As some of you may know, last year Scott and I had a miscarriage. I shared this experience on my sister-in-law's blog in November:
Life has an interesting way of teaching its lessons. When I turned 24 I felt like I had experienced enough for an average 24 year old. I had recently gotten married to the love of my life, and was going to school for a teaching degree in Early Childhood/Special Education. I grew up in a loving home, the second oldest of six children. My parents taught us the gospel of Jesus Christ and through their example I was able to apply the standards to my own life without any regrets. I’m a Mormon and am so grateful to have the truths of Christ’s church in my life, especially during times of trial. Trials like death, for example.
Growing up I learned a little about death through friends experiences. I personally did not experience a close loved one passing away until I was 24 years old. For the first time, I felt that deep pain in my heart. My Grandpa was like a Dad to me. His passing was difficult but because of the truths of Christ’s gospel it was bearable. Little did I know at that time, the experience of that pain would prepare me for a deeper pain that I would feel in a few short months.
After my Grandpa’s passing, Scott and I found out we were pregnant. We were ecstatic. We had been married a little over a year and had really enjoyed our time together, just the two of us. We felt that we were ready for an addition to our family and I personally had always dreamed of being a mom. I was excited to put into practice things that I have learned from great examples in my life as well as things I have learned in my schooling.
I was taking classes during the first trimester of the pregnancy. It was my last semester of classes before I started my student teaching experience. I was very busy but found time to enjoy the idea of our baby growing inside of me. We had one early ultrasound at about 9 weeks and things were looking good. We realized that the due date of our baby would affect some family reunions so we decided to call and tell our parents the exciting news. We debated if we should wait the 12 weeks most people wait, just to be safe. I felt like there was nothing to worry about though since none of my family had ever experienced a miscarriage. We told our siblings once we were pass the 12 week mark and my body seemed to be doing well with everything.
On March 28, 2010 I turned 25 years old and Scott and I went in for our 12-week checkup. We had an ultrasound and the technician was being really quiet, which was out of character for her. She was unable to tell us what she saw because she is not a doctor but for me those quiet minutes felt like a lifetime. We were taken into another room for the doctor to tell us the news we were dreading. Our baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks.
It’s been a little over 7 months since the experience and I still get teared up just thinking about it. When I dwell on it I feel like I experience that day all over again. Walking around our small college town with so many pregnant women is so difficult for me. I go to church and am surrounded by women who are expecting. But, amid all the reminders I also have the gospel to keep me above water. I have a Savior who is able to give me the strength that I can’t muster on my own.
From this experience I have learned that we are never alone. I’ve learned that life is hard but we have every reason to smile. I’ve learned God knows what he is doing, we just need to hang on and have faith
This past week I found out that a dear friend of mine is pregnant and has been for six months. I didn't find out from her, but from an acquaintance. I asked some of our mutual friends if they knew, expecting them to be as surprised as I had been. But, all of these friends looked at me with pain in their eyes as if to say, "Uh-oh, she found out." While talking to one friend in particular I lost control of my emotions. I felt so silly crying in front of her, which just made the situation worse and made me cry harder. I kept saying, "I don't know why I'm crying. It's not a big deal." My friend assumed I was crying because I wasn't the one who was pregnant but in reality it was because I felt hurt. Could my pregnant friend not trust me? Was she worried that I would explode on her? That I wouldn't want to be friends with a pregnant lady? These questions weren't the overall reason for my outburst though. Hours later as I pondered the situation and cried by myself in my car I realized what the core reason for my sadness was. I realized that this undesirable experience has yet one more consequence. It's a consequence that I have little control over. How many of my friends have chosen to keep their pregnancies from me to "spare me" the pain? In reality, it causes me more pain to know that they were experiencing happiness and choosing to not let me be happy with them. It hurts to not have a baby to hold and to love. What hurts more, though, is recognizing each day the consequences of that experience. Each day I learn something new about myself and how I have grown from this experience. I am grateful for it and the things it is teaching me about myself. If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask. Life is an amazing gift and I am so grateful for every minute of it. I'm so glad I get to learn from my experiences and the experiences of those close to me. I wouldn't trade this experience and what I have learned from it. It's been hard but I am moving past it and growing stronger each day.
Isn't he just adorable? ...Mom?... haha. My mom has really been sweet about us having a lizard. She hates reptiles so the idea of one of her children owning one was something that she had to deal with mentally :)
